Yesterday I spent the entire frustrating evening trying to share the FREAKIN’ JOY OF CHRISTMAS. I had mixed success.

I was looking for the Twelve Days of Christmas ornaments I’ve been collecting (well, collecting for one year–it’s a NEW collection, okay?). I knew I’d seen them on Amazon.com when I was making my list for Paul Santa. I remembered they had qualified for free shipping. Could I find them again, now that I wanted to show them to you? NO. WTH, Amazon. WTH. You KNOW I want Three French Hens with free shipping, so GIVE IT.

Anyway. There’s no need for us to discuss what I finally had to sell and/or sign in order to come up with the list of links you see below, not when we are trying to get the Christmas spirit going here. I’ll just say there was Christmas Swearing as I searched for each ornament using ancient spells designed to find only the ones sold by Amazon, as opposed to by one of the kerzillion sellers Amazon allows to squat on their site.

My heart was brave and my mission true, but in the end I could not claim complete victory: nine of ornaments below are sold by Amazon and qualify for free shipping and also for Amazon.com’s “buy 3, get 1 free” deal–but three of them are not, and don’t. It is a sad, confusing world we live in.

These make nice gifts for teachers and friends and hard-to-buy-for people. And for Swistle. Don’t forget Swistle.

Partridge in a Pear Tree
Two Turtle Doves (free shipping, 4-for-3)
Three French Hens
Four Calling Birds (free shipping, 4-for-3)
Five Golden Rings
Six Geese (free shipping, 4-for-3)
Seven Swans (free shipping, 4-for-3)
Eight Maids (free shipping, 4-for-3)
Nine Drummers (free shipping, 4-for-3)
Ten Pipers (free shipping, 4-for-3)
Eleven Ladies (free shipping, 4-for-3)
Twelve Lords (free shipping, 4-for-3)

Ballpark price: $18-25 per ornament (less if you do 4-for-3)